Horrible Nerdy Reflex

I’ve been reading 43Folders lately and digging through the archives to find some helpful advice and tips to make my life work for ME. Merlin Mann encourages people to get things done in a way that makes sense so that the most important part of your life (your creativity) can be the focus.

This is what exhaustion feels like — when you aren’t writing or MAKING anything but at the same time don’t have time to sit and take a deep breath.

——–

Also, with the advice and guidance of Carrie & Danielle, I helped a friend get things in order for this school year. For me, the semester is going to be pretty lax since I only have a couple classes going on right now (the other two being Drawing 1 and Hatha Yoga at a community college). This friend is practically an adopted sister since I consider her family part of my extended family and it felt good to take a few hours out of my day and sit down to help her make lists of things that she needs to do.

The most important thing for me is to write down everything that I need to do, think about, and consider in the week to come. It helps me get my head clear, and put the contents of my brain in tangible form. I’m pretty sure any “lifehacker” or “GTD” blogger will tell you to write a list too, but I absolutely swear by it.

My friend and I took everything that was out of place and put it in a pile, sorted through her papers, filed them according to her classes and their level of importance and threw away everything else. Old To-Do lists? Only causing a bigger burden. If they hadn’t gotten done in the past month, they probably weren’t as necessary as we thought.  Helping her made me feel more productive and mentally centered than I had in awhile.

Regardless of the amount of stress in my life and lists of things that I feel need to get done, there are two things that I always try to remember:

1. Do for others - I find that if I don’t have time for my friends or family, my level of stress sky rockets. If I haven’t been able to go out of my way to offer someone a ride somewhere, buy a friend a drink or a meal, spend two hours talking on the phone, or helping someone get things in order, I feel more discouraged than if I am constantly doing for myself.
2. Do for ME - At the same time, if I am constantly doing others and not setting time aside to just “do ME” for awhile the stress becomes overwhelming and I am a less fun person to be around. If I haven’t put the focus on myself with a long shower, exercise, a good meal, or a lazy day in bed I am more prone to tearful breakdowns. It’s important for me to remember that it is okay to say no once in awhile.

So this week, I am going to find a balance.

It’s so difficult to not set myself up for disappointment. I’m really trying to prevent that from happening. My hope is that it doesn’t turn into my being a recluse.

I’m getting even better at protecting myself from, I guess, getting what I want. As strange as that sounds, in some cases it’s the best thing. At the same time, I end up protecting my friends as well. Killing two birds with one stone? Sure. I can go with that. But it also reminds me of all my shortcomings… What I lack and what I can’t offer.

I’m trying to be the strong one. Build a foundation so that the days get easier and happier.

Sometimes I just want to complicate the hell out of it though.

I tell myself that I’d regret it later even though I’m not so sure that I would.

I started this with a lot of ideas of the direction I wanted to head and haven’t entirely settled on anything. I know it will eventually house a portfolio for photography, recipes, lengthy entries on reoccuring themes in my life and probably more book, television and music recommendations than anyone could possibly ask for.

I also needed a solid location for my mobile photos because really who doesn’t see a million things in a day that need to be shared with an audience.. regardless of how miniscule that audience may be.

Eventually I will find some sort of direction but I feel like the next year or so will be a lot of random writing from my phone as things happen and probably a handful of complaints about this semester’s Women’s Studies class.

A lot of my “relationships” and friendships have ended in circumstances where I find myself counting and keeping track of how many days I can go without speaking to that person. Sometimes I wonder if they are doing the same thing. When I realize that they aren’t… That they never realized I left in the first place… I know that I made the right decision.

It’s a difficult thing to do and I guess I want to explore why it is so difficult for me to lose people. Why do dating situations get out of hand so quickly? I wonder if it’s because they are so few and far between.

I think it’s because I am a very picky dater. I only go out with people that I am 100% interested in. It’s not because I really have to weed out the dozens of men knocking down my door but more an act of consideration. I feel like I know the kind of guy I am interested in. I have a fairly distinct “type” and everytime I have strayed from that type I’ve ended up on “the worst date ever”.

What ends up happening is that I go out on dates with people that I am actually attracted to. I go out with really amazing, awesome guys who do nothing but continually impress me and make me want them around and then something happens and we have to stop talking or we just end up as friends.

I try my hardest to remain friends, thinking that it’s better to have an amazing awesome guy as a friend instead of not having them around at all. This seems to result in a year long broken heart until I meet someone new.

The boy I had in my life long term took me years to get over. Eventually, sometime close to two years ago I stopped talking to him completely. Each day was another mental tally until I completely took the thought of communicating with him out of my daily routine. Just recently did I delete his phone numbers and email addresses from my contacts I was finally able to throw away our pictures and letters.

The first months of interacting with a new person are always the most accurate in showing who I actually am. Then something is set off inside of me where I stop acting like me. I fall into a funk and my prospects find me less and less attractive and more and more like every other girl they have met. Although, isn’t that what happens with girls too? The boys we are interested in start showing us that they are mortal and flawed so our responses change?

Can someone help me remember who I am again? I didn’t used to need regular sexing to remain myself buy maybe that is it — Maybe I am lacking physical contact. Sometimes it feels like things just well-up inside and the only way I know how to show it is through some sort of bodily affection.

I hope I fall back into being Me again. I miss her!

The most important thing I have learned in the past year is that it’s important to acknowledge all of the good things in your life, especially when things are looking especially dismal. A friend of mine acknowledged that when I spoke I most often mentioned things that were stressing me out or upsetting me which, while perfectly reasonable, was a bit counterproductive. If you are upset about things going particularly awry, it should be an obvious move to look toward things that make you happy.

It’s difficult to pull yourself out of a rutt. When you are in a hole, immediately stop digging — if you don’t, you’ll find yourself halfway to China with no exit strategy.

Overall my heart is happy. I have the best friends I’ve ever had. I continue to meet new people that make my days easier to get through; they make the happy times happier and help pull me over the hills when things are not going well.

I still think it is important for me to make note of the good so that I don’t get too down while I complete my final semester at ASU.

1.) Today, I bought myself cowboy boots.
2.) I have made my upcoming credit card payments and still have money to get my hair done and order Iron and Wine tickets for me and a friend.
3.) With said I&W tickets I get to spend a day or two in Tucson dancing up 4th Ave and eating amazing Mexican food. Less than a month away!
4.) I might be going to an open interview at Anthropologie tomorrow morning for a part time job and a solid discount.
5.) My drawing class is going well.
6.) Tomorrow I get to see my boys and Sunday I get to see a handful of my very favorite people as long as I am not scheduled to work.

The woman next to me at Chipotle filling her soda stood positioned in the perfect way to insure no one else would be able to use the machine. Ice went in the cup, she looked at it, allowed two more cubes to fall in, looked at them, added one more. She tasted both spigets of Coke and decided the first one tasted better. Next she added lemon and artificial sweetner (yes, to her soda) and stood telling her friend about her foot doctor and her upcoming appointment. At this point I have managed to fill my cup but haven’t been able to manuever around the Chatty Cathy to get a lid.

I squeeze past and reach in front of her face to get my straw and the woman looks at me, smiles and says, “I’m sorry! I tend to hog an area.”

She doesn’t move, mind you. She doesn’t make any effort to scoot over but she and her friend giggle at her comment. Not in a sinister way but more an, “LOL!!! We have such big asses! Just love our couches and boxes of Bon-Bons. Amirite, Karen?”

When you know you are doing something rude and inconsiderate you should either:

a) Not say anything and continue doing it.
b) Apologize and remedy the situation.

I don’t feel like acknowledging a personal flaw or mistake with a comment like, “Oh! It’s just something I do! Haha!” is at all reasonable.

I understand that sometimes you can be oblivious to the world around you and it is an excusable offense. Unfortunately when you acknowledge that it is reoccuring, I will kindly ask you to pull your head out of your ass and attempt to have some consideration for the people around you. Kthxbye.

Every Women’s Studies class I take discusses the concept of sex and gender like no one in upper division courses was required to take an intro class. And every year there is at least one person that seems to know more about it than anyone else and will take it upon his or herself to correct the teacher who doesn’t use the exact wording every time.

Example. Ms. “I only identify as female when my testosterone is on vay-cay” raises her hand while we are discussing the difference between the “social construction of sex” and the “social construction of gender”. We are talking about sex and using the terms “man” and “woman”.

“I’m sorry… Did I miss something?” she says as the entire class deeply inhales, bracing themselves for what bullshit she will sputter next.

“I thought we were talking about sex? And man? And woman? Are terms of gender? And I was just wondering?” For someone so intelligent and well-read she doesn’t seem aware that the rise of her voice at the end of a sentence indicates a question.

This is the same girl who approached me after class a few days ago wanting to, not kidding, vote a sorority girl from our table in class and “recruit” someone new. Something about not wanting to look at her orange tan, I think, was one of her very valid reasons.

It’s circumstances like these that I wish instead of a device to blog from, I wish I was fully equipped with video camera and sound recording equipment. Trust me. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Womens studies classes are becoming more and more appalling to me as I manuever my way through my minor. This semester my professor is one that puts a stop to in-class discussion and requires everyone to raise their hands before adding to the discussion.

Everyone except for the males.

No, I’m not exaggerating. Someone finally raised their hand and brought it to her attention while the professor was in the middle of a sermon on how appalling it is that in preschool classes girls are expected to play quietly while boys are encouraged to be loud in their style of play.

I already think most of what the professor has written is a bit silly and what she has agreed with in class is sort of ridiculous but finding her guilty of something she obviously disagrees with is somewhat disturbing.

Perhaps I am not strong enough in my beliefs and calling bullshit on our required readings is a flaw in my character as a feminist. But sometimes, and lately more often than not, I feel like what I am reading has taken a very extreme approach to explaining the plight of woman. I will never say that there is no difference in the way men and women are raised and develop in society. And I will never suggest that there aren’t huge flaws in the socialization of young people and our ideas of what both boys and girls are capable. It’s just that lately I’ve been feeling a bit skeptical of the studies being done with major feminist bias.

I feel like poor research is completely counterintuitive to what we - as women, not just as feminists - are trying to accomplish. Maybe we are living in a society where the extreme is effective because people don’t read beyond the surface of what is put in front of them, but I awfully like the idea of presenting the facts even if they don’t make your point as strongly as you’d like them to. It defeats the purpose of your research if you don’t acknowledge obvious flaws or biases in the work you are doing. Eventually someone who is willing to pick apart your article or film or lecture is going to come along and criticize your invalid points which, in turn, are going to make your perfectly valid observations moot as well.

Has anyone else encountered anything like this in classes or just when interacting with people on a daily basis? I started this blog because I have been experiencing a lot that makes me worried that I am the only one who thinks a certain way. Validate me! Or, tell me why I am wrong, please.

I’ve never figured out how to be a “back and forth” dater. My heart has always told me that there is something innately wrong with dating multiple people at once — Kissing one person one night only to switch it up the following evening.

I tried this half-heartedly about a month ago.

A friend was in town. We met another friend in Tempe for dinner and, somewhat as a joke, somewhat as a test of my mojo, I left my number on a piece of paper for the waiter. We headed back to Central Phoenix where my car proceeded to break down after I, through no fault of my own, of course, drove over a curb. My Knight in Shining Armor that evening was offering (via text message) to leave work on a rescue mission and while I swooned, the waiter texted me at the same time.

I felt disgusting.

About a week later I tried to disguise my disgust with myself by gussying up and agreeing to go out to dinner with said waiter. Much to my dismay (relief?) it turned out to be the worst date I’ve ever ALMOST gone on since it ended before I even left the house. That night my only date was with Seamus McCaffery’s, a good friend, and amazingly greasy fish and chips.

Serves me right.

There is something to be said about Dating Karma. You get what you give, I spose. I thought that with all of the giving I did I had some leverage to try something that I hadn’t done before — what Carrie Bradshaw would call “dating like a guy”. But, that night I proved to myself that my initial instincts were right. It feels wrong because it IS wrong.

If I like someone, I am going to like them until I don’t. Sounds silly but it’s true. If you find yourself with a wandering eye in a dating situation, there is a reason for it. Something is lacking and until you find out what that something is, you are going to go out looking for it. It’s why people cheat. It’s why people “casually date”. Not to say that it’s a bad thing — it’s just a good way to hurt someone you may care about and a good way to get hurt yourself.

I’m working diligently, although admittedly not very effectively, on saying and doing exactly what I mean. I’ve wavered on my stance with dating games in the past but this year I can say that I’ve grown to understand that they are not effective unless you are honest with yourself and your partner — in which case, it’s no longer a game.You have to be clear about what you want and under what circumstances you are willing to get it. And when you know what these circumstances are, you can’t falter. I’m absolutely horrible with this. I’m too often willing to settle for less than what I know I deserve — Too willing to take a small sliver of the pie if I can’t have my half. I find myself catering to other people’s needs instead of my own and while it may be an admirable quality to some, I end up feeling drained and a bit disoriented in the process.

Unfortunately, these days, I am finding myself between the rock of poor timing and the hard place of someone who seems to have genuine respect for me and who can’t seem to disappoint me even if I wish he would. For all the awful guys I have met in the past, why couldn’t the currently-unavailable one be the worst of them all?

As far as relationships go I’m fairly relaxed. I don’t ask for much, I’m very giving, don’t play games, and I don’t expect the traditional, culturally accept gender roles to be set in stone. There are a few things that I do need in a partner. I need to feel safe and protected. I need to feel like someone has my back and if I am feeling especially weak, I need to be able to turn to someone to vent and be serious with. More than anything, I need someone with confidence in themselves. When my partner is confidant without being full of himself I gain confidence and am proud to be in the relationship.

Right now, I’m getting everything but that from this once-potential love interest.

• My phone buzzes with a text message asking for permission to call me.
• The bill for dinner shows up and there is a horrified look on his face as I take out my debit card to pay for it since I already know (after two dates) that he has forgotten to put money in his account.
• I’m teased for being busy with school and friends and two jobs because most of that doesn’t fit into his vocabulary.
• When I’m stressed and he asks me to call and I need to vent he doesn’t know what to say so he makes offensive jokes that force me to get off the phone with him as soon as I got on.
• No matter how many flirty signals I offer he still questions my interest in him and refuses to make a move because he doesn’t know “what is okay with [me]“.

We laid around on his couch for an hour or more and he didn’t touch me once. I went to take his hand and he asked me what I wanted and so I pulled away and then when he drove me to my car he told me how interested in me he was and how he doesn’t know what he is “allowed” to do. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried again another night. This time we were in his room. On his bed. And STILL nothing. That night I got a phone call that lasted for three hours with him explaining how he didn’t want to come across as some asshole guy but how it was really awkward to say goodbye to me because he didn’t know what he should do. He couldn’t even utter the word “kiss”.

At this point I have given up. I don’t need the most macho guy on the planet but I do need a guy that isn’t scared to make a move. It’s not fun to plan out every move that is made in a relationship… especially at the beginning. What makes a relationship exciting is the spontaneity. Not knowing “Will he?” “Won’t he?”. I don’t want to discuss a kiss before it happens.

I guess this is what I get for meeting boys in women’s studies classes.

He’s too fearful of coming off as a “typical” guy that he doesn’t even know how to act like a NORMAL guy. There is a big difference. I respect the respect but acting as though women aren’t dating guys for the possibility of sex or physical (as well as emotional, spiritual blahblahblah) reasons is just another way to ignore and put a negative connotation on sexuality. I can’t take it.

Lack of action is not impressive to me. Respect and affection and confidence are impressive.

It’s not even worth trying anymore.

Dear boy, I am through.

I’m recognizing patterns in my life and the lives of others around me regarding self-control and discipline. Everyone seems to be taking the strides toward an ultimate goal of self-improvement and happiness but without restraint, none of these things are going to be possible. I will never assume myself guilt-free in cases of selfishness vs. selflessness and the reason I bring these things up at all is that they haunt me every day.

It’s an art, really.

- The difference between lust and the desire for something bigger and greater than physical contact.

- The difference between snacking and satisfying your hunger.

- The difference between stumbling out of school and demanding to start from the top and building your future from the ground up with the instruction of mentors and true professionals.

Acknowledging these things is only the first step in pursuing an honest existence.

I don’t have the answers and I don’t have an instruction manual but when the truth only comes out of your mouth with inebriation, it’s time to let go of the vices and randomness that distracts and detracts from what is really going on. I have to constantly remind myself that we are all lonely — that the empty darkness inside of me is raw and real and only human. We are all seeking our missing puzzle pieces but just have to remember that it’s easier to assemble when you put all the edge pieces together first.

I want to build my foundation and slowly fill in the gaps with luxuries like love and happiness.

This is all coming about because of a night last week where my barriers came crashing down. I ended the evening sore and swollen, red and bruised, and perhaps emptier and less respected (by myself and others) than I ever have before. It’s the result of being an animal and a liar. And it’s the result of accepting avoidance as the final step in dealing with a problem. I’ve never avoided in the past — why start now? I’ve felt the repercussions before.

Now I start from scratch.